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Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Define interpersonal effectiveness
~    Examine the goals of interpersonal effectiveness
~    Identify barriers to interpersonal effectiveness

Definition and Goals
~    Interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to ask for what you want and need, and say no to unwanted requests
~    By getting your needs met and being able to set boundaries you:
~    Will feel more respected
~    Reduce anger and resentment
~    Reduce stress
~    Free up energy to help you meet your goals
Goals of Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Goals
~    Get others to do things you want them to do
~    Get others to take you seriously
~    Effectively say no to unwanted requests
~    Strengthen current relationships
~    Find and build new relationships
~    End hopeless relationships
Activity
~    For each of the following statements, give 2 examples of how this has caused a problem for you in the recent past.
~    Speculate about why you are not effective at doing these things.
~    Get others to do things you want them to do
~    Get others to take you seriously
~    Effectively say no to unwanted requests
~    Strengthen current relationships
~    Find and build new relationships

Barriers
~    Lack of effective communication skills
~    Lack of clarity about what you want from others
~    Difficulty balancing your needs and the other person’s needs
~    Emotions get in the way
~    You sacrifice long term goals for short term relief/urges
~    Other people get in the way
~    Other people are more powerful than you
~    Need for external validation
~    Beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want

Summary
~    Interpersonal effectiveness is more than just communication skills
~    It requires that you know what your wants and needs are
~    Helps you effectively ask for those wants and needs
~    Troubleshoot why you might not be getting your needs met
~    Take action to improve the situation
~    Develop healthy, sustainable (albeit not perfect) relationships.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Identify ways to address the barriers to interpersonal effectiveness
Communication Skills DEAR MAN
~    DEAR
~    Describe in specific, objective terms
~    Clean house
~    Being supportive
~    Dressed appropriately
~    Irritable
~    What terms do you often have disagreements about?
~    Express feelings and opinions using “I” statements
~    Describe a situation and notice and correct yourself each time you don’t use an “I” statement to express feelings and opinions.
Communication Skills DEAR MAN
~    DEAR
~    Assert
~    Ask for what you want
~    Don’t expect mind reading
~    Reinforce by explaining the benefits to the other person ahead of time.  (win/win)
~    If I get/you do this, the benefit to you will be…
~    Think about 3 occasions when you wanted someone to do something for you.  How could you have made it a win/win?
Communication Skills DEAR MAN
~    MAN
~    Mindfulness
~    Stay focused on your goal
~    Ignore diversion techniques-blaming, magnification, justification or switching topics
~    Practice identifying and responding these techniques in movies/tv shows
~    Blaming: 2 and 3
~    Magnification: Highlight exceptions
~    Justification: Highlight the consequences
~    Switching Topics:  Acknowledge you heard it and table it for later
Communication Skills DEAR MAN
~    MAN
~    Appear confident in verbal and nonverbal behavior
~    What is the difference between confidence and aggressiveness?
~    Mentally rehearse what confidence looks like
~    Find one or two people who have this quality and study them.
~    Imagine them handling the situation
Communication Skills DEAR MAN
~    Negotiate
~    Offer and ask for other solutions
~    Write it down if needed
~    Give time for reflection
~    Compromise
~    How can both of you get the majority of your needs met?
~    Say no, but offer alternatives
~    Think about three situations when you said no (or wanted to) in the past.  What alternatives could you have proposed?
Getting Clarity
~    How important is…
~    Getting what you want
~    What, exactly, do you want, and how can the other person provide this.
~    Feel better
~    Fix it
~    Know you will never leave
~    Keeping the relationship
~    Maintaining your self-respect

Summary
~    DEAR MAN stands for
~    Describe
~    Express
~    Assert
~    Reinforce
~    Mindfulness
~    Appear confident
~    Negotiate
~    To effectively accomplish these things, you must have clarity about what you want and how getting or not getting it will impact your self respect and relationship(s)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Continuing to address barriers to interpersonal effectiveness
Balancing Needs
Asking for Something or Saying No
Activity
~    For each level of asking and saying no, identify a situation and conditions that would increase the level of response
~    Level 1 generally ambivalent or have other options
~    Level 2 you know what you want, but are okay with no
~    Level 3 You really want/need this from this person
~    Level 4 This is important to you and you are willing to negotiate to get it done (i.e. a raise)
~    Level 5 This is very important to your safety, self-respect, relationships or something else important to you
Activity
~    For each level of asking and saying no, identify a situation and conditions that would increase the level of response
~    Level 1 generally ambivalent. Suggest your preference for next time
~    Level 2  You know this is going to add stress, but under the right circumstances, you might
~    Level 3 You know you really shouldn’t do this right now, and it is in your best interest to say no
~    Level 4 You know you cannot do this, but you might be able to do something else
~    Level 5 This is something that you cannot do and be true to the things that are important to you.
Asking for Something or Saying No
~    Points to Consider
~    Capability of either person to deliver.
~    Does it relate to a high or low priority goal?
~    How will it impact your self respect to say or take no?
~    What are each person’s rights and values in the situation?
~    What type of relationship do you have with the person
~    What is the effect of your action on your long-term goals
~    How much give and take is in the relationship
~    Have you done your homework (needs, wants)
~    Timing
Summary
~    The same request can warrant a different response based on a variety of factors.
~    When making a request it is important to consider things like the other person’s ability to deliver, how often you ask for things from them, what else they have going on, whether it is worth cashing in some of your friendship karma
~    When saying no (or yes) it is important to consider the impact of saying yes on your priorities, whether you can deliver, how much give and take there is in the relationship, how important this is to that person.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Addressing more barriers to interpersonal effectiveness
Dealing with Emotions
~    In your emotional mind you are in the flight or flight state
~    Emotion Regulation Skills can help you:
~    Mitigate emotional dysregulation by preventing vulnerabilities
~    Nutrition/hydration
~    Sleep
~    Pain
~    “Stress”
~    Distract not react (ACCEPTS and IMPROVE)
~    Take a break until you can get into your wise mind

Sacrifice Long Term Goals for Short Term Urges
~    What are your long term goals?
~    Happiness
~    Health
~    Relationships
~    Work
~    Personal Growth
~    What are your values?
~    Will [this action] help you get closer to them or is it a waste of energy?
Other People
~    Get in the way
~    Try to convince you
~    You want their approval
~    How can you help yourself not be Captain Caveman?
~    Are more powerful than you
~    Cop on a traffic stop
~    Boss in a meeting
~    Parent with the car keys
~    How do you “win” a losing battle?
Need for External Validation
~    Lack of self esteem can lead to:
~    Need for external validation
~    Fears of abandonment
~    What is the difference between self-esteem and arrogance?
~    How do you develop self-esteem in children?
~    How do you develop self-esteem in yourself?
Belief That You Don’t Deserve It
~    What do you deserve?
~    What do you want that you think you don’t deserve and why?
~    Walk the middle path—Devil’s advocate
Summary
~    To be effective in problem solving, emotion regulation or interpersonal situations you need to get into your wise mind
~    Emotion regulation skills can help you prevent and diffuse the adrenaline rush caused by adversity
~    Once in your wise mind, it is important to believe that you deserve to be happy and respected which starts by believing that you are okay and not relying on others to tell you that you are okay.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Identify and address myths that inhibit interpersonal effectiveness
Myths That Inhibit Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Play devil’s advocate with the following myths…
~    If I make a request, it shows I am weak
~    How do you feel about other people who ask for help?
~    I have to know if a person is going to say yes before I make a request.
~    Why?
~    How can you deal with “no?”
~    If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets mad
~    What does it mean if they get mad?
~    What is the consequence if you never say no?
~    What is the benefit of saying no?
Myths That Inhibit Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Play devil’s advocate with the following myths…
~    Making requests is a really pushy (bad, selfish, etc.) thing to do.
~    How do you feel about people who make polite requests?
~    What makes a request pushy or selfish?
~    Identify 3 situations in which you needed to ask for help.
~    Was that selfish?  Pushy?
Myths That Inhibit Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Play devil’s advocate with the following myths…
~    Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do.
~    “Always”
~    What does selfish mean to you?
~    Putting yourself first at the expense of others
~    Putting yourself first so you can be more fully present for others?
Myths That Inhibit Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Play devil’s advocate with the following myths…
~    I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.
~    Under what circumstances?
~    What are the consequences of sacrificing your own needs?
~    Which needs can and cannot be sacrificed?
~    I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself.
~    So you need to be skilled at everything?
~    What does it mean to you if you cannot fix a situation by yourself?
~    How do you feel about someone else who needs help fixing a situation?
~    If I would just think differently I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else.
Myths That Inhibit Interpersonal Effectiveness
~    Play devil’s advocate with the following myths…
~    If I would just think differently I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else.
~    What “should” you be thinking?
~    Why do you assume you are “bothering” other people
~    If the tables were turned, would you feel “bothered?”
Summary
~    Often times, interpersonal effectiveness is derailed because we have been taught that assertiveness, confidence and imperfection are not okay.
~    Nobody can do everything.  We all need help.
~    It is important to recognize the difference between asking for help on things you could do yourself and on things for which you do not have the expertise.
~    Remember that we learn by observing each other.
~    What are your actions communicating about assertiveness, self-esteem and willingness to connect with others?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Keeping self-respect
~    Myths that get in the way of self respect
Keeping Self-Respect– FAST
~    Fair to yourself and the other person (validate both of your feelings)
~    Apologies
~    Don’t apologize for your feelings or opinions
~    Don’t invalidate the valid
~    Stick to your values
~    Truthfulness
~    Don’t lie, exaggerate or make up excuses
Myths that Get in the Way of Self-Respect
~    How do each of these get in the way of self-respect?
~    I shouldn’t have to ask. You should know what I want and do it.
~    So you know what everyone else wants and do it all the time?
~    I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want
~    So people should always get what they want without having to work at it.
~    Other people should like, approve and support me.
~    If they don’t what does that mean?
~    Other people don’t deserve to be treated well if they aren’t nice to me.
~    On one hand you want other people’s approval, but on the other, you don’t want to be nice if they are not nice first.
Myths that Get in the Way of Self-Respect
~    How do each of these get in the way of self-respect?
~    I must have what I want when I want it.
~    Why?
~    What happens if you don’t get it?
~    How can you deal with THAT reaction?
~    Revenge feels so good that it’s worth the negative consequences.
~    What is the benefit to revenge?
~    How does it help you use your energy to get closer to your goals?
~    In what way is revenge actually giving that person your control and energy?

Myths that Get in the Way of Self-Respect
~    How do each of these get in the way of self-respect?
~    Getting what I want is more important than how I get it.  The end justifies the means.
~    As long as you get what you want, it doesn’t matter if it is illegal or hurts someone else?
~    What is the difference between a want and a need?
~    How do you feel about yourself if you get something by cutting corners/cheating, or doing something you really didn’t want to do?

Troubleshooting Effectiveness
~    Do I have the knowledge and skills I need?
~    Do I know what I really want in this situation?
~    Am I having trouble balancing priorities
~    Am I having trouble compromising?
~    Is fear/shame/guilt getting in the way?
~    Are short term goals getting in the way of long term goals?
~    Is the emotional mind in control?
~    Are my emotions getting in the way of using my skills?
~    Are worries, assumptions or myths getting in the way?
~    Is the environment more powerful than my skills?

Summary
~    Many of the myths that get in the way of self-respect set you up to feel like people don’t like you or aren’t willing to meet your needs
~    These myths can cause you to feel helpless, hopeless and resentful of others
~    If you don’t know what you really want or need, then you might continually feel frustrated and disempowered when people fail to meet your needs.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Explore why relationships are important
~    Identify ways to develop new relationships
~    Explore necessary actions to maintain current relationships
Developing Relationships
~    Relationships are our greatest buffer against stress
~    The first relationship to develop is that with yourself characterized by self-esteem, self-respect and self-compassion.
~    Relationships require attention and a clear awareness of what you want/need/expect from other people and yourself.
~    Make full use of opportunities to interact with others
~    Interact with people who share similar interests and generally respond positively to you.
Finding New Relationships
~    Look for people with similar interests
(16 temperaments)
~    Introverts and Extroverts
~    Sensing and Intuitive
~    Judging and Perceiving
~    Work on conversational skills
~    Mentally rehearse asking open-ended questions
~    Identify two things you could make small talk about
~    Find common ground: What are your interests?
~    Skillfully self-disclose (be aware of disinhibition)

Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~    Gentle—No attacks, threats, manipulation, judging (should, shouldn’t, moralizing), no sneering, smirking, eye rolling, name calling
~    Interested
~    Listen
~    Pay attention to nonverbals (yours and theirs)
~    Maintain eye contact
~    Try to unhook from your emotions
~    I’m having the feeling that…

Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~    Validate
~    Reflect back
~    Pay attention to what is and is not being said
~    Body Movements (Kinesics), for example, hand gestures or nodding or shaking the head;
~    Posture, or how you stand/sit, whether your arms are crossed
~    Eye Contact, where the amount of eye contact often determines the level of trust and trustworthiness;
~    Para-language, or aspects of communication apart from speech, such as pitch, tone, and speed of speaking;
~    Facial Expressions, including smiling, frowning
~    Physiological Changes, for example, sweating or blinking more
Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~    Validate
~    Understand how the other person’s reactions and thoughts make sense based on their past and present
~    Acknowledge the valid
~    Treat the other person as an equal not as fragile, incompetent or domineering
~    Easy manner
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~    Be self-aware
~    Vulnerabilities
~    What you bring to the situation
~    How others impact you
~    Pay attention with interest and curiosity
~    Stop multitasking or drifting
~    Stay in the present instead of planning your response
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~    Focus on those around you
~    Practice openness to situations, noticing the people without latching on (Like Secret Service)
~    We tend to notice those who are in a similar mood.  Actively try to notice people in the opposite mood
~    Be open to new information
~    Theorize about 3 alternatives
~    Ask!
~    Let go of judgmental thoughts about others
~    Imagine what it is like in their mind
~    Try to explore their perspective
Summary
~    Your relationship with your self and others should be nurtured with the GIVE principle
~    Gentle
~    Interested
~    Validate
~    Easy Manner
~    Remain mindful not only of how others impact you, but how you impact others
~    Stay focused in the present moment
~    Be open to new information
~    Try to learn something or get a new perspective

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs counselor education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox & Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~    Review Wise Mind What skills
~    Explore ending unhealthy relationships
Wise Mind What Skills  Summary
~    Observe
~    Pay attention with curiosity
~    Stay in the present instead of focusing on your response
~    Focus on those around you
~    Notice and let go of judgmental thoughts about others
~    At a later point, consider exploring these thoughts

Wise Mind What Skills: The Next Step
~    Describe
~    Replace judgmental words with descriptive ones
~    Avoid assuming or interpreting what other people think without checking the FACTs
~    Avoid assuming or questioning other’s motives
~    Give others the benefit of the doubt
~    Participate
~    Engage in interactions
~    Go with the flow, don’t control it
~    Become one with group activities and conversations
Ending Unhealthy Relationships
~    Make the decision in the wise mind, not the emotional mind

Ending Unhealthy Relationships
~    Consider problem solving if the relationship is important and NOT destructive
~    List the problems and potential solutions
~    Review the list and cross off any that are unfair to one or the other
~    Troubleshoot problems and rehearse coping strategies
~    Be direct, but one issue at a time
~    Practice the opposite action for love
~    Be safe!
Activity Review
~    Review the first activity and identify what you can do differently in the future to be more effective.
~    Get others to do things you want them to do
~    Get others to take you seriously
~    Effectively say no to unwanted requests
~    Strengthen current relationships
~    Find and build new relationships

Summary
~    People with emotion dysregulation often struggle in relationships due to
~    Lack of effective interpersonal skills
~    Need for external validation
~    Lack of clarity about needs
~    Necessary goals
~    Clarify wants and needs
~    Enhance assertiveness and interpersonal skills
~    Enhance self-esteem
~    Develop and maintain supportive relationships