Validation and Control
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director
~ Why do we need validation?
~ To feel good about ourselves
~ From whom do we need validation
~ The big question
~ Other people?
~ Our higher power?
~ Ourselves?
~ What does validation look like?
~ Validate feelings—Does that mean they feel the same?
~ Validate thoughts—Does that mean they agree?
~ Validate being — Does that mean I am lovable?

~ What are some reasons we may not get validation from
~ Others
~ They don’t agree or feel the same and are unwilling or unable to take our point of view
~ They are too immersed in their own stuff to be able to begin to understand our point of view
~ Ourselves
~ We base our worth on what other people say, do and think about us
~ We don’t appreciate ourselves
~ We were taught we are only lovable if others say we are

Control, Letting Go and Forgiveness
~ Letting go and forgiveness can be very scary.
~ They both seem to represent losing control.
~ Letting go and forgiveness are both control moves though.
~ Letting go means choosing not to waste your energy fighting against something you cannot control or is not worth your energy
~ Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt and resentment that is draining your energy so you can move toward what is important to you. Forgiveness is for YOU not THEM.
Can You Get Validation and Have Control?
~ Not everyone will validate you (It isn’t their job)
~ Some people will validate you.
~ If you get hung up on why a particular person won’t validate you
~ Ask yourself
~ “Why do I care?” (Transference maybe??)
~ “Why am I trying to control this person?”
~ “What parts of this situation do I have control over?”
~ Practice Psychological Flexibility
~ Develop Hardiness

Can You Get Validation and Have Control?
~ Psychological Flexibility
~ Unhook from your thoughts.
~ Identify what and who is truly important in your life.
~ Acknowledge your feelings, thoughts, urges and behaviors in the present.
~ 2 Lists
~ Things that I do or think that help me move toward the important things in my life
~ Things that I do or think that keep me stuck, drain my forward energy or move me away from what is important
~ Make a choice. You have control over how you use your energy

~ Hardiness
~ Commitment: What things, people and activities are you committed to?
~ Control: What parts of improving your next moment do you have control over?
~ Challenge: In what ways can you view the current situation as a challenge vs. a barrier?
Steps Toward Self Validation
~ Identify the values and characteristics about yourself that make you awesome.
~ Make a Bill of Rights. “I deserve to…”
~ Follow your own Bill of Rights
~ Identify the people in your past from whom you craved validation and never got it. Explore why that may have been more about them than you.
~ Identify why you crave validation. Do you want to know you are important? Relevant? Lovable?
~ Make a list of people you know who fit that label.
~ How are you like those people?
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